condom(1)                Eunuch Programmer's Manual                 condom(1)

Name
  condom - Protection against viruses and prevention of child processes

Synopsis
  condom [options] [processid]

Description
   _condom_ provides protection against System Transmitted Viruses (STVs) 
that may invade your system.  Although the spread of such viruses across a 
network can only be abated by aware and cautious users, _condom_ is the only
highly-effective means of preventing viruses from entering your system (see
celibacy(1)).  Any data passed to _condom_ by the protected process will be
blocked, as specified by the value of the -s option (see OPTIONS below).
_condom_ is known to defend against the following viruses and other malicious
afflictions...

o AIDS
o Herpes Simplex (genital varieties)
o Syphilis
o Crabs
o Genital warts
o Gonhorrea
o Chlamydia
o Michelangelo
o Jerusalem

   When used alone or in conjunction with pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and/or
setiud(3), _condom_ also prevents the conception of a child process.  If 
invoked from within a synchronous process, _condom_ has, by default, an 80% 
chance of preventing the external processes from becoming parent processes 
(see the -s option below).  When other process contraceptives are used, the 
chance of preventing a child process from being forked becomes much greater.  
See pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3) for more information.
   If no options are given, the current user's login process (as determined 
by the environment variable USER) is protected with a Trojan rough-cut latex 
condom without a reservoir tip.  The optional 'processid' argument is an 
integer specifying the process to protect.
   Note: _condom_ may only be used with a hard disk.  _condom_ will terminate
abnormally with exit code -1 if used with a floppy disk (see DIAGNOSTICS 
below).

Options
     The following options may be given to _condom_...

  -b BRAND  BRANDs are as follows...

      trojan (default)
      ramses
      sheik
      goldcoin
      fourex

  -m MATERIAL  The valid MATERIALs are...

      latex (default)
      saranwrap
      membrane -- WARNING!  The membrane option is _not_ endorsed by the 
      System Administrator General as an effective barrier against certain 
      viruses.  It is supported only for the sake of tradition.

  -f FLAVOR  The following FLAVORs are currently supported...

      plain (default)
      apple
      banana
      cherry
      cinnamon
      licorice
      orange
      peppermint
      raspberry
      spearmint
      strawberry

  -r    Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip)

  -s STRENGTH  STRENGTH is an integer between 20 and 100 specifying the
      resilience of _condom_ against data passed to _condom_ by the protected
      process.  Using a larger value of STRENGTH increases _condom_'s
      protective abilities, but also reduces interprocess communication.  A
      smaller value of STRENGTH increases interprocess communication, but 
      also increases the likelihood of a security breach.  An extremely 
      vigorous process or one passing an enormous amount of data to _condom_ 
      will increase the chance of _condom_'s failure.  The default STRENGTH 
      is 80%.

  -t TEXTURE  Valid TEXTUREs are...

      rough (default)
      ribbed
      bumps
      lubricated (provides smoother interaction between processes)

  Warning: The use of an external application to _condom_ in order to reduce
friction between processes has been proven in benchmark tests to decrease
_condom_'s strength factor!  If execution speed is important to your process,
use the '-t lubricated' option.

Diagnostics
  _condom_ terminates with one of the following exit codes...

 -1  An attempt was made to use _condom_ on a floppy disk.

  0  _condom_ exited successfully (no data was passed to the synchronous
    process).

  1  _condom_ failed and data was allowed through.  The danger of transmission
    of an STV or the forking of a child process is inversely proportional to
    the number of other protections employed and is directly proportional to
    the ages of the processes involved.

Bugs
  _condom_ is NOT 100% effective at preventing a child process from being 
forked or at deterring the invasion of a virus (although the System 
Administrator General has deemed that _condom_ is the most effective means of 
preventing the spread of system transmitted viruses).  See celibacy(1) for 
information on a 100% effective program for preventing these problems.
  Remember... the use of sex(1) and other related routines should only occur
between mature, consenting processes.  If you must use sex(1), please employ
_condom_ to protect your process and your synchronous process.  If we are all
responsible, we can stop the spread of STVs.

See Also
  celibacy(1), sex(1), pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3)