Taking BDSM to Real Life
From Tapestries MUCK
You may have played BDSM scenes online for years, and think you are ready to take it to Real Life (RL). You've found the right person, you have the desire, they want to play. But before you go, there are some differences to consider. Some of this may seem like common sense, but if it all was, long books on the subject would not have been written. So it's probably worth at least glancing over this article.
There is not enough space here to give all the answers, but hopefully some resources can be given that will get you started at the end. Instead, this is meant to raise the questions you should be thinking about.
- STDs and Safe Sex - Yep. Those ugly things. It's easy to forget about them when playing online. Very few people consider them something to fantasize about. But you are not Superman RL, and you can catch something that will seriously hinder your lifestyle, or outright kill you. Maybe quickly, maybe slowly. But dead all the same. Not a pleasant subject, but one the RL BDSM crowd has to keep in the back of their head.
- Pregnancy and Safe Sex - Yes, this happens RL. There are tons of good resources out there to go into how to prevent it, but when a boy meets a girl, there is always a chance. Think about that.
- Beatings cause REAL Damage - Some of it is fine. Some RL bottoms don't consider it a good beating if they don't come away with a bruise to remember it by for a few days. But there is the key: the damage needs to be temporary. It's remarkably easy to do serious long term damage to someone if you don't know what you are doing. Did you know that striking the back between the ribs and ass can damage the kidneys easily, for example? There are many other places that can be easily hurt, and should be watched out for as well. Find out before you bring that flogger or riding crop down on someone.
- Electricity Kills - Depending on the health and a variety of other factors, it's possible to cause a heart attack with even light electrical play. There are other risks, but that is one of the big ones. It is commonly held that one should not play above the waist with electricity, though this is not an absolute if you know what you are doing. Do you?
- Breath Play - The reason that breath play in various forms is hot is because it's dangerous. Really dangerous. People need to breathe. Do you know how to tell when your going to far? Is there a way for the submissive to warn you when it's going to far? Remember, if they can't breathe, they can't simply say safeword. Do you know CPR if something goes wrong?
- Bondage - Being helpless is a great deal of fun. But do you trust your top? Does anyone know where you are? Chances are this is not a big deal, but, in the cases where it is, it's a big deal. Do you know to check your hands and feet to make sure they are not too tightly bound, or are you risking nerve damage? As a top, do you know how to check this yourself? Do you know that you need to? Have you arranged quick releases, or have a knife handy to cut the ropes if your submissive suddenly ends up in a life threatening situation? Do you know what positions might be physically risky?
There are a lot more concerns, and entire books have been written on each of these subjects. A lot of the basics can be gotten into very easily with books like SM101, so it's not as challenging as it seems. But you need to know these things.
Keeping it Consensual
Are you taking the right steps to make certain what you are doing is consensual? Remember that a lack of consent can take what looks like fun and turn it into assault or rape. Serious words? They can also be serious jail time.
- Negotiation - Have you discussed what you are willing to do? Do you know what your bottom is willing to do? These things are basic to SM play. It does not have to be long winded with large checklists and an interview process, but it does need to happen.
- Safeword - Do you know what a safeword is? Do you know how to use it in Real Life (RL)? Ever heard of green, yellow, red? Do you know what your partner's safeword is? Do they know what yours is? Have you agreed on a way to safeword when the bottom is gagged or unable to breath? Safeword is an essential tool to keeping things consensual.
- More here....
BDSM play often revolves around things that are hot because they are hitting hard at various emotions. It's just as easy to hurt yourself emotionally this way as it is physically.
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Got some questions now? Here are some places to look...
- SM 101: A Realistic Introduction - By Jay Wiseman. It is considered one of the traditional introductions to the subject.
- Wipipedia - London Fetish Scene's BDSM Wikipedia.
- Sexuality.org's BDSM Page - Lots and lots of good links here.
- soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm FAQ - Lots of good information about BDSM, both what it is, and some of the practices.